The Thing - 2011

Ok, so against my better judgement I went to see the prequel this morning. A bit of a difference from my cinemagoing experience yesterday. There were no bloody up and down teens.

This Thing has a lot to live up to because I love the 1982 version. I love the hokey special effects of the "original" especially the head turning over on itself and sprouting spider's legs, and of course the comment "you have got to be f*ing kidding me".

I was bored. I was so bored, I spent time writing my review as the movie was playing. I realise it is against the Mayo and Kermode code of conduct, but needs must.

The first thing I was thinking about let's see how many horror movie rules this one will break.

You find an alien encrusted in ice - what do you do? The right answer is you walk away and leave it. Your enterprising/pioneering spirit will get you killed.

So you ignore rule 1 and remove the alien from it's resting place, take a sample and the ice begins to melt. You also have a huge cast of characters. Everyone is expendable. Time to lose a few people. We need a manageable number, so that the audience can keep up and build some sort of rapport with those left.

Never travel solo - I mean really, have you people learned nothing. You will be dying very violently as well.

Confine the beast because just because you think it's dead, doesn't mean it is. Actually it never is. The idiot leader needs to be sacrificed first because you can then turn the other "sheep" around to your way of thinking very easily - i.e., get the hell out of there.

If you think a certain action is wrong, of course it is. Why would you want to go outside in the freezing cold to look for something that isn't human. Never go to frozen, cold places unless you're a penguin or a polar bear.

Alien cells are always stronger. Just because humans allegedly have brains does not mean they always exercise good judgement.

When you turn on each other, all is lost. The alien can just sit back, take up the popcorn and wait for you all to kill each other.

Why didn't our heroine freeze to death when she went outside to flag the helicopter down with no coat on?

The person giving you information is always deflecting and will always be one that has been infected.

When did it become acceptable to "kill the Americans?"

How do you go from paleontologist to leader/killer in six easy steps? Watch Alien movies and try to channel your inner Ripley.

If you were an alien, surely you could mutate into something that found it easier to get around rather than something that sort of walked on four hands.

My, that grenade that rolled about a million miles away would be very handy right now, wouldn't it?

And if you can believe it, the special effects are rubbish. I mean total, stupid garbage. The only scene that was even mildly interesting was when two men merged into one. It looked really painful, but that's it.

Final scenes - sequel anyone?